good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
