I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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