I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
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