I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
