At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
