Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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