His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
