You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
