Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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