"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
