First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
