Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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