The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
