Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i love accidental penises.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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