one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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