I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
