My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
a search helicopter?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
