I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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