This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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