Are we in a gay sports bar?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
