Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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