Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
