Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
there is glitter all over my balls
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