I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
