After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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