Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
