Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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