We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
