well I can't set my house on fire every night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
