What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
