My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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