I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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