please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
