he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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