That's intense
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
