i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
