I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
