4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
