Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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