I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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