Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
