I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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