I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
