I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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