Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
