I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
