I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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