Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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