Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
