Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
