I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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