drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
