I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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