i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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