Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
